Page 12      Diablo Blue      December, 2000

(Continued from page 11)

document will infect your system. Don't open it until your antivirus software has scanned it and declared it virus-free. Just because the document comes from your boss or your mother doesn't mean it's safe. If you want to view the contents of a file without triggering any macros it may include, open it in Notepad or Quick View. Regrettably, the Quick View utility is not included in Windows 2000 or in Windows Me, but you can buy a third-party copy of Quick View Plus 6 from Jasc Software [www.jasc.com] for $49 downloaded or $59 boxed.
The major shareware sites scan programs for viruses before posting them for download, and of course legitimate software vendors ensure that the applications they post to their Web sites are free of viruses. Software posted to pirate (so-called "warez") sites or newsgroups may be infected, however, and the pirated applications floating through such file-sharing systems as Napster and Gnutella must also be considered virus hazards.

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals) when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable since, as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over; and when he got out of the tub, he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidney but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90 which unwittingly gave a bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where the last wish of that little boy who is dying of cancer is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but if you send it to only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital; but on the way, he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laurel Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, you will get deathly sick from not wiping soda cans with soap and water before drinking from them, and even if you do clean the can top carefully, the aspartame in the soda will give you multiple sclerosis... and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.